i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
