I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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