.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
