i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
