i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I would ride that face into the sunset
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
