I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
