I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
