"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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