I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
