Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
