Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
