come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
