I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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