Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
