i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
