her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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