Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
