it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry my hands just texted you
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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