I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
