White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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