I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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