Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
