So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
