I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
