A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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