We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
MIDGETS
????
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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