arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize