my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
