Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
