you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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