i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
