Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
