Ambien. No doubt about it.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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