Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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