I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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