You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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