where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
