I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
