My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dear god my vagina.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
