You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
