i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
