remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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