It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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