I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
