dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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