I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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