She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
