You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
