Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize