After last night, I could never be a politician.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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