Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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