Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
