So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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