So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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