I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
