i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
