you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
