Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love you. Go after that dick
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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