Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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