my mouth tastes like poor choices
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
