Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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