Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Barsexuality is the new black.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Randomize
